depressionnap | expiation inbox

[There is only one way that Sephiroth would have a photograph of his mother, and it would be because of Hojo. In turn, that means Hojo told Sephiroth that his mother in that photograph was Jenova. Rage fills his heart; of course that man would do something like this, to continue to make this child his speciman.

Vincent breathes in deeply, closing his eyes. None of that is Sephiroth's fault. It's difficult, not having an easy way to vent out that anger as he feels the Galian Beast's blood boil in his veins.

Red eyes look down to Sephiroth.]

I was assigned to your mother as a bodyguard. I... knew her well.

[ his face lights up before he can stop it, the hope naked on his expression. he batters it back down with effort, smoothing his expression as best he can. after all, there's no telling if this is the truth-- and even if it is, despite what vincent said, he could always decide not to tell sephiroth anything else. ]

Her bodyguard? But.. the Professor said.. [ he trails off, suddenly troubled. ] So she was part of Shinra? [ had she known what would be done to him? had she just.. left him there? ]

[The look on Sephiroth's face causes his fury to evaporate for now. Furious as he is with Hojo, ultimately it is most important that Sephiroth is given the truth, however much he will choose to believe.]

...Hojo will say about anything if it is to his own interests in doing so. I suggest you take his words with a grain of salt, if even that.

Your mother was a scientist, working to study an important subject with Professor Hojo. She was the person I admired and respected most, dedicated and working even when she should have been resting.

[ a scientist. she was a scientist, like the professor. so.. she had to have known, surely. does that mean that she'd abandoned him in the professor's hands? is she still working for shinra out there somewhere? does she care about him? .. had she ever?

or maybe-- from the sound of it, maybe she'd died. which possibility is the worst in this case?

chest feeling tight, he slowly sinks into one of the seats, gloved hands curling into fists on his knees. ]

Did she.. not want me? Where is she? [ a ragged little breath escapes him, aching. he feels more wounded than he'd thought. ] Who is my father? [ does he even have one? ]

[Slowly, Vincent approaches and sinks into a kneel in front of Sephiroth after the boy sits. The last question has always tormented him, because he knows that the two possibilities end with a terrible answer no matter wat. So, he remains truthful.]

I don't know who your father is.

[That's out of the way at least. Vincent is at a loss of how best to handle this, but he wants to give Sephiroth the information he has been denied all of his life.]

For as much as she was dedicated to her projects, your mother was not a heartless woman, Sephiroth. And much of her influence was drawn by Hojo. [lol no vincent stop putting lucrecia on a pedestal ahhh] I was told that she died giving birth to you. I was... not there myself, as much as I wish I could have been. I tried to find her, and I was never successful. So... it is possible that is what must have happened.

I am... sorry I could not do better by her. Or you.

[ so there had been no hope of finding her from the start. why had the professor lied to him? or is this the lie? it still could be, even if vincent has only been terribly, terrifyingly kind to him from the beginning.

the professor is the one person who's been in his life since the beginning. for better or worse, he's always been there, educating him and answering his questions. can he bear the thought that he's been lying to him all this time? that he's been cruel maybe just for cruelty's sake?

suddenly his head aches, a stinging pain lancing from temple to temple, and he squeezes his eyes shut against vincent's earnest stare. ]

Why-- [ he stops himself when he realizes his voice is trembling, takes several moments to steady himself, then opens his eyes to try again. ] Where have you been? If-- If you were Mother's bodyguard.. what happened? Why did you leave?

[The tremor in his voice is heartbreaking. It gives him the urge to reach out, as if Vincent could somehow be comforting -- but it is a foolish idea. After all, this boy's pain is as much Vincent's fault as it is Hojo's. This is, too, can be applied to his many sins.]

It was not my choice to leave her, or you. I was... forced away, when I expressed my concerns about your mother and you, when you were not yet born.

Suffice it to say, Hojo did not approve of my confrontation. I will spare you the gruesome details of the ordeal, but I remained indisposed for a long time.

[ .. oh. that-- he's seen the professor's wrath first-hand, when dealing with people that oppose him. maybe it's a miracle that vincent is even here at all. maybe it's safer this way.

it really sounds as if he'd cared for sephiroth's mother. had he loved her? had she cared for him, too? would sephiroth's life have been different if vincent had remained at her side? she might have left shinra, if so, as impossible as that seems. maybe she would have raised him, and vincent would have been there as.. he doesn't know. family, maybe?

(family..? could he really have had something like that?)

he hesitates for several moments, feeling strange and dizzy and bewildered. his head still aches, his throat tight, eyes hot. his mother.. is gone, and there's no hope of finding her. he's never going to have that relationship. but vincent's still here, kneeling in front of him, like sephiroth really matters to him. whether that's because of sephiroth's mother or not.. does that mean anything? he's still here.

he hesitates, then uncurls one hand, reaching up to cautiously nudge unruly dark hair aside, leaving vincent's face and expression more visible. ]

I'm sorry, [ he ekes out eventually, eyes searching the older man's. ] That-- That you were hurt trying to help us. I'm glad that I've had the chance to meet you. [ his hand falls away again, teeth catching the inside of his cheek. ] Can you.. tell me about her?

[The lightest touch startles Vincent, his eyes flitting to Sephiroth's face in confusion for a moment before he closes his eyes. This moment of kindness, the mourning Sephiroth has to process, all of these human emotions and yet somehow he will become a man capable of heinous acts and delusions of godhood.

If Vincent can stop that here and now, he will do what he can.

Hesitantly, he offers the palm of his hand out to Sephiroth. Just to hold, as if to anchor the both of them.]

There are many things I wish were different. That I could have done more, but it is a history I can't undo. [He failed. There is so much he failed. He doesn't deserve the empathy.]

I will tell you anything you want to know about her, Sephiroth. If that is what you wish.

[ he's not good at reaching out to others. he'd learned early on not to seek comfort from the people around him, and after everything that happened on rhadore.. it just seems like a bad idea to trust that anyone will stay for long. still, if vincent really is who he says he is, maybe he's different.

he hesitates, looking at the offered hand for a few uncertain moments, before cautiously curling his fingers into the palm. ]

.. It's the only way I'll ever know anything about her. The professor doesn't talk about her.

Not surprising.

[To Hojo, Lucrecia was just another stepping stone in his experiments, and sharing more to Sephiroth would make it too easy for him to become someone who cannot be easily controlled.

Gently, Vincent takes his hand now that it rests there.]

She was excitable about her work, eager to prove herself. I admired her work ethic and her intelligence. [The faintest hint of a smile curls at his lips as he thinks fondly.] ...She could also be playful, and would tease me sometimes. I... liked that she wasn't afraid of me.

[ he's not used to this kind of touch, even after weeks out on rhadore with glenn and matt and lucia, and it probably shows in the way he stares down at their hands. he can't really feel anything through the layers of their gloves, so he knows the warmth is his imagination, but it still feels.. nice.

he likes these little glimpses into who his mother was, as well. the professor has always been pleased by his intelligence, and it's a little overwhelming to think that it might be something he got from her. he had a hard time seeing anything of himself in the face in the locket, maybe because of everything that was done to him as an infant, but that, at least, feels like a connection, however tenuous. it's hard to imagine her as a real person, though, even with the things vincent is telling him.

his glance lifts again, finding the older man's, watching the way his lips curl when he talks about her. he had loved her. ]

I wish I could have known her. [ though he doubts she'd much like the person he is now.

he uncurls his other hand from his knee and reaches for the clawed gauntlet, lifting it and turning it over in his palm. ] Is this.. part of what the professor did? [ it doesn't seem to just be armor. ]

Edited 2024-09-02 02:16 (UTC)

She would have wanted to know you as well. I have no doubt about that.

[Even if Vincent didn't agree with experimenting on Lucrecia's unborn child, he can't possibly believe that she wouldn't have wanted to know her son. Not that either of them will ever know either way. She's gone.

Briefly, he holds still as Sephiroth turns his gauntlet over. Vincent remains completely still, letting Sephiroth observe as he wishes.]

One of many things, yes. Under his experiments, there is much I lost.

...You shouldn't have to see what's under it.

[ his experiments. how much of what had been done to vincent had been used later in sephiroth's development? is it sephiroth's fault that vincent had been through what he'd suffered at hojo's hands? after all, if there exists a final product, there must have been prototypes.

and, again.. how much does he believe of any of this? how much should he believe the professor? it's hard to imagine that soft look on vincent's face when he talks about sephiroth's mother is fake, though. ]

Because you think I'll be disgusted, or because you are? There isn't much that shocks me anymore.

I would aim to spare you of additional horrors Hojo has created under his delusions of grandeur. I know you are not without experience to what he's capable of, or what the world holds, but I take no joy in subjecting you to the results of his work.

[Even if it is but a sliver of it, traces of his humanity stolen -- even if there is some wretched poetry to it in that a man who has sinned so terribly should be such a beast.]

But as I said before, you may ask me anything.

[So, if Sephiroth really wants to see what is under the gauntlet, Vincent would not refuse him.]

[ he should ask to see it. sephiroth thinks he'd probably recognize the professor's signature if it's there, and that would then prove at least one thing here is the truth. but on the other hand, vincent had said that a lot's already been taken from him, and if that's so.. sephiroth doesn't want to be the one to take one more thing away from him. especially if vincent is only doing any of this because he thinks he owes sephiroth's mother.

he hesitates, then slides his hand out of vincent's, turning the gauntlet between both of his own, expression thoughtful. ]

We're both here, so that's why you're talking to me.. but what about at home? Where are you? .. Have you tried to.. talk to me..?

[A brief pained look flashes over Vincent's eyes, but he does not look away from Sephiroth. How much he should say, but assure it is not meant as an excuse -- it's difficult. Regardless, Vincent will give him the truth of it.]

For a very long time, I was in the laboratory in Nibelheim. There were... several years that choice was robbed of me. Hojo was all too glad to keep me informed of your growth and conditioning.

I thought it best after a time to pay penance for my sins, for being unable to do anything for you and your mother. I am... [Now he looks down to his gauntlet, fingers flexing.] I no longer age. If I had an eternity to dwell in my nightmares, then so be it.

[ oh. that.. makes sense, he supposes. the professor had eventually chosen to stop gloating, and by that time, the thing keeping vincent away was.. his sense of guilt? to think he was in nibelheim when sephiroth was there, too.

but what could vincent have done, really, if he'd tried to go to sephiroth? he'd been kept in the most secure location in the world, under lock and key. they were never meant to meet in their world. sephiroth is shinra property, and the woman vincent had loved is long-dead. ]

You shouldn't do that. [ his fingers tighten around the gauntleted hand briefly, then ease open again, hands returning to his lap. ] If you have a long time, eternity even, then you should do something good with it. There are-- [ his lips press thin, thinking of rosen, of all the people of rhadore-- dead because of a reactor, dead for no reason. ] There are a lot of people out there that need someone strong.

[What a stark difference from the destructive potential that Sephiroth could become. For him to suggest to Vincent here and now how he could do good by others instead, that Sephiroth would desire that...

This is the Sephiroth he wants to preserve. A young man who does, ultimately, wish to do the right thing. He's just been denied the opportunity.]

Don't worry. I did leave it, eventually. As for what I'll do next... maybe I'll take your suggestion into consideration.

[ he straightens a little at the agreement, startled in spite of himself. it's one thing to be obeyed in the field-- he was made for war, given the strength and power and rank to command shinra's troops. this isn't that. this isn't a battlefield, and vincent isn't one of his subordinates. no one else has ever so consistently cared about sephiroth's opinion. for that matter, sephiroth has never so openly dared to have opinions. it's a lot to adjust to.

the usually-solemn line of his mouth twitches upward faintly at the corners. ] I'm glad. I'm sure Mother would have been, too.

[Ah. The mention of her makes Vincent pause, and his eyes close, brows knitted. He'd like to think that would be true, but most of all it pains him that he couldn't help her. If Vincent failed Lucrecia, then how could he possibly be of aid to others? But then, he hasn't remained completely idle by following Cloud's path.

His eyes open, and he thinks of Sephiroth's small smile. Still just a young man, still sane, still wanting to do right.]

I'm sure you're right.

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